The magic of holidays lie not in holiday itself, but in the kid you share it with; especially if the kid is a hoot.
PART ONE gave us the difference between the sexes from a 6 year old’s point of view, A drill instructor mom and a rude 3 year old, tooth fairy revenge and the horror of a sick note on dodge ball day (How Many Kids Does It Take To Turn Off A Light In The Kitchen?). PART TWO explored interesting new movie titles, elementary crime fighting, and tag game negotiations (PART TWO: How Many Kids Does It Take To Turn Out a Light In The Kitchen?).
Keep reading for some holiday humor.
As he was staring at a small “fun size” one bite candy bar he had just received in his Halloween bag, an 8 year old is overheard telling his younger brother, “I don’t know about you, but my idea of fun is a lot bigger than this.”
IT’S LOGIC, CAPTAIN KIRK
One kindergarten boy to another:
“If you stand under this green plant called Mistletoe, girls chase after you and try to kiss you!“
“Why would you stand under a plant if you get kissed by a girl???? That’s just insane.“
FORGET SANTA’S LIST…STAY OFF HERS!
Recently, a kindergarten girl came to me, visibly upset. I asked what I could do for her and she replied (pointing at a little boy across the gym),
“HE HURT MY FEELINGS!!!!”
Concerned, I asked what he said that made her so upset and she answered (now in tears),
“He said that I shouldn’t play because I can’t play the game right!”
I said, “Well, maybe you can tell him that he hurt your feelings and the next time, advise him that if he can’t say anything nice, maybe he shouldn’t say anything at all.”
This seemed to brighten her mood considerably. Then, trying to get things back on track, I coaxed, “You run along. I’ll have a talk with that little boy.”
She stopped, thought for a minute, and replied,
“No. I’ll talk to him.”
Curious, I asked if she was going to take my wise advice (flattered that my guidance was being heeded). My ego was quickly deflated, however, as she gave me the reason why she preferred to handle it.
She began to explain, as her eyes narrowed into evil slits, simultaneously rubbing her hands together in a quick back and forth motion.
Shaking with giddy excitement she loudly proclaimed,
“I’m going to tell him that he’s on SANTA’S NAUGHTY LIST now….
THE NAAAAUGHTY LIST!
And he’s not getting off until NEXT YEAR!”
With a big smile spread across her face, she turned around, skipped back onto the gym court and finished playing the game, never looking back.
It’s lucky for that little boy that Santa isn’t female. He makes a list and checks it twice.
She just makes a list.
FOLLOW THE MONEY
I remember the day my girls cornered me to ask for the “truth” about Santa. I figured if they were old enough to ask, they were old enough to know. The youngest asked about Santa. I nodded, “No”. Then, she asked about the Easter Bunny. I nodded. They nodded back in agreement. On and on the conversation went until the oldest asked about the Tooth Fairy and leaving money under the pillow. I nodded again. Then, from my left I heard my younger one (with her mouth hanging open) screaming, “WHAAAAAAAT???”
Ever the money-conscious child, Kelly could give up her imaginary friends but reluctant to give up the source of her booty.
MY GRANDMOTHER DOES WHAT???
When I worked in an alternative school for middle and high school, I was one of the in-school suspension teachers. My granddaughter, Chloe, came with me on a teacher work day when students were out of school. The arrangement of the room was for privacy, each desk situated between two partitions. Chloe looked around the room and all of a sudden, her eyes got big and her mouth fell open.
She said, “Oh my gosh Nannie! These are TIME-OUT CHAIRS!!!!
My pedestal fell down a notch as she realized that her beloved Nannie puts kids in
READY, RESPECTFUL, RESPONSIBLE AND …QUIET?
My son and I were talking with my granddaughter, Chloe, about the “Dragon dollars” that they can earn in her school. The conversation came up because she had to pull a discipline stick and we were talking about behavior (since it’s connected to the dragon dollars). We asked her who had the most dragon dollars and she thought a minute and said, “Gracie“. Then, we asked who had the least, and before the last word was out she said, “CAMERON“.
NOT TO LET A LIFE SKILL MOMENT GO TO WASTE, I said, “See Chloe? A person’s reputation, whether good or not, follows them. You automatically knew who had the best and the least based on their behavior.
For example, let’s talk about you. If someone were to say your name, what are the first words that might come to their mind (hoping she’d say, “hardworking, honest…)?”
Chloe, without missing a beat said, “Be quiet“.
Okaaaaayy…now we know why she pulled a stick this week?
QUEEN FOR THE DAY
My daughter Kelly, and her husband were distracted with the typical issues of young marrieds with tight finances so close to the holidays, and sometimes needed their conversations to be private. Therefore, with small children, it was easy for them to put the girls in front of a Princess movie for some peace and quiet.
My daughter later told me a story that proved that too much of a good thing isn’t always a good thing.
Her daughter, my granddaughter Selah, a strong-willed child like her mother before her, had gotten into some trouble. After the discipline had been meted out, Selah was still not convinced why she should do as she was told.
Exasperated, after reasonable explanations that didn’t pacify her little charge, Kelly sputtered,
“BECAUSE…I’M YOUR MOTHER”!!
Still in tears, Selah compliantly headed for her room with the last word on the subject as she blurted out,
“You might be my mother, but YOU’RE NOT THE QUEEN!!”
If my daughter had been smart, she might have called the real queen (aka the grandmother).
Coming soon R.I.P. Santa… where a young mother tries to tell her daughter the “truth” about Santa but ends up killing him off instead.